I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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