Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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