are you still at the devil's house?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
