I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
