Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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