You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
