So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
