he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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