Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
