Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am available for nakedness
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
