The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
