I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
