i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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