My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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