Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
