I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You've changed since you got that strap on
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
