well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
