Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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