You smell like stripper and shame
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
