then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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