No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
