I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
