I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
