I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
