I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
