I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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