She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
