I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
