He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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