my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
