Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
