if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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