Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
