Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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