I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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