Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
