You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
