Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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