My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
