My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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