Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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