I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
