I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
