Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
