i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
