you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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