Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
