I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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