I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
