Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
