SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm passing your future prison.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
